Nico Bot
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: After watching a scary movie, Rin believes her boss, Nico, is a robot, and manages to convince Maki as well. (Alternatively: "Maki-chan! The robots have taken over the navy!" "NOT THE NAVY!" Yep. It's a Spongebob parody.)


**AN: This is a parody of the episode Krab Borg.**

* * *

Sitting on the floor in front of the TV, Rin tossed some popcorn into her mouth just as her regularly scheduled programming returned from commercial break.

"Kayo-chin! The scary robot movie's back nya!"

Yawning as she entered the room, Hanayo looked to Rin with a frown. "Rin-chan, you know you shouldn't be watching that right now. You'll get nightmares."

"No I won't! That may have been true in the past, but I'm a big girl now! Scary movies ain't got nothing on me!"

Hanayo frowned but didn't press the issue. "If you say so. I'll be going to bed first, since I have to get up early."

"Okay! Good night nya~!" When the bedroom door closed, Rin sent an amused leer to the TV and tossed some popcorn into her mouth. Confidently, she declared, "There's no way I'm getting scared by this movie. Nope! No way!"

A scant few minutes later saw Rin lying in bed next to Hanayo, quivering in fear.

"What if mama is a robot? What if the alpaca is a robot?" She gasped as an even worse thought occurred to her. "...What if Kayo-chin is a robot?!" hissed Rin fearfully. Turning over to face her girlfriend, she slowly reached out to gently poke Hanayo's soft and fluffy cheek. "Kayo-chin?"

"Hmm? Rin-chan? What's wrong?"

"Um... You'd tell me if you were a robot, right?"

The brunette sighed. "Rin-chan, of course I would. See, this is why I said you shouldn't watch scary movies before bed."

"You're right. I'm sorry..."

"It's okay. Here, let me make you feel better." Shifting around in bed, Hanayo guided Rin's head to her bosom, slowly running her hand through Rin's short hair.

Rin purred in contentment. "Kayo-chin's chest makes everything better," she sighed. "Thank you, Kayo-chin. I love you!"

"I love you too, Rin-chan. Good night."

* * *

But of course Rin couldn't let it go. Despite assuring Hanayo that she wouldn't be jumping at shadows and assuming robots were out to get her, Rin did just that all throughout the day. She was nervous when Hanayo left the apartment. She was nervous on her commute. She was nervous when she was at work, even though she normally loved working as a short order cook for Nico Bell.

There was just something about today, a feeling in the air, that told Rin that today would bring much hardship. And it would. Just not for her.

Manning the register, her coworker Maki handled another customer. "Your order number is 252. Here's wishing you a wonderful day from nico nico me to nico nico you," she deadpanned. Without waiting for a reply, she turned to the kitchen window.

"Rin!" she called.

"NYA!" shrieked the catgirl. The poor cook was so startled, she somehow managed to leap through the small window and wrap Maki in a tight hug. They were both quite surprised by this outcome.

"Get off me!" snapped Maki, throwing Rin back through the window. "Do you have order number 239 ready?"

Rin held up a tray. "Number 239. One Nico Burger and a medium beverage. Sorry Maki-chan. I'm a little on edge today. I keep thinking robots are taking over the world, probably on account of this movie I watched last night where robots take over the world. I even asked Kayo-chin if she was a robot! Pretty funny, right?"

"Hilarious," deadpanned the redhead. "Just go deliver the order."

Despite her nerves, Rin managed to work up the courage to perform this ordinary task, delivering the food without incident and without coming across any sign of impending robot overlords. "Whew," she sighed with relief, "I guess I'm just overreacting, nya."

As Rin walked back to the kitchen, she just happened to overhear something from the inside of Nico's office.

"I feel completely recharged!" declared Nico.

Rin stopped in her tracks. "...what did she say?" Slowly pushing open the door, she peeked inside the room, just to get an idea of what was going on.

Resting her head and arms on the desk, Nico gazed lovingly at a 15cm figure of an anthropomorphic radio girl.

"Come on, Ra-chan! Play it again! For me?"

Nico was very happy to have gotten Ra-chan for such a low price. Ra-chan the Radio Idol was a member in the up and coming idol group _Appliance Crusaders_, with other girls tying their images to the refrigerator, air conditioner, washing machine, and others. But to Nico, Ra-chan was best appliance.

"Nya, that's strange. Nico-chan is talking to her radio, and said she felt 'recharged'. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was..." She gulped. "A robot!"

Back in the office, Nico was currently making a very important phone call. When the call connected, she was greeted with an automated message. "Hello. Thank you for calling NozoEli Radio Garden. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line so we can determine if you're a winner!" Then she was placed on hold as a cheery, 8-bit rendition of Garasu no Hanazono began playing.

"Come on, gotta win that sweepstakes!" said Nico, pumping herself up. "Hmm. Actually, this hold music isn't too bad. DEN DEN DEN! DEN DEN DEN!"

From outside the door, Rin was very concerned. "What's with those strange noises? Maybe Nico-chan is really...? No. I promised Kayo-chin I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation."

The next time she peeked in, she got an eyeful of Nico doing a wild and frenetic dance while holding two brilliantly beaming penlights. And because all cats are terrified of penlights, Rin freaked out.

"Maki-chan!" cried Rin as she launched herself at the redhead, "Nico-chan...! Weird noises...! Strange dancing...! ROBOT!"

Looking up from the latest issue of _Tomato Review Today_, Maki gave Rin an annoyed glance as she pried the catgirl off her. "That's great Rin. Why don't you go find a time traveler and an esper so we can have a tea party?" she snarked.

"I'm serious Maki-chan! Nico-chan is a robot, and I can prove it too! In the movie, the robots didn't have a sense of humor. Nico-chan!"

"What is it, Rin?" asked Nico, emerging from her office.

"Maki-chan just told me a hilarious joke and I thought you might like to hear nya!"

"Really now?" She turned to Maki for confirmation.

"...sure," shrugged Maki apathetically.

"Alright. What is it?"

"Okay, here we go! Uh, how did it go again Maki-chan?"

"Wha-!" Maki glared at Rin for dropping this problem into her lap, but recovered quickly. "Um... Okay, so. Why was the student disappointed with the high school celebration? Because it was a School IDLE Festival!"

Though the redhead found it quite humorous, both Nico and Rin looked at her blankly.

"...get it? It's _I-D-L-E_ instead of _I-D-O-L_."

Nico just sighed. "Get back to work, Maki," she said before leaving.

"Rin!" growled the redhead.

"Rin doesn't get it either nya."

"It's because it's a homophone!"

"Hmm? Phones can be gay?"

Maki facepalmed. "Why do I even bother? You're just too dumb to get it."

"Well Nico-chan is pretty smart and she didn't laugh either! Because she can't, because she's a robot!"

"There's a logical explanation for why she didn't laugh, Rin. She's obviously heard it before. Either that. or she's also too dumb to understand homophones. The only reason you think Nico-chan is a robot is because you watched that stupid movie. Now why don't you-"

"Hey, Nico-chan!"

"What? What is it, Rin?" asked Nico as she rushed out.

"Maki-chan has no one to hug her! Isn't that sad?" ("Me again?!" exclaimed the redhead.) Rin began shedding fake tears in an attempt to induce empathy from the ravenette. It didn't work.

"Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Maki can hug herself during her break. Now get back to work!" snapped Nico before storming back to her office.

"Just like the robot in the movie. She couldn't cry either."

"Why am I the one getting saddled with this stupidity?! Rin, this is getting ridiculous. I'll have you know my mama and papa love me and hug me very much!"

"That's the final test, Maki-chan; the love test. Robots can't love!"

It didn't take a seer to know where this was going. "Rin, don't you dare-!"

"Nico-chan!"

"What is it, Rin?!"

"I just wanted to say that I love you nya!" confessed Rin. Nico and Maki stared at her. "Nico-chan, you are the light of my life, the reason my heart beats, the other piece of my soul! Won't you say you love me back?"

"Thank god it wasn't me this time," muttered Maki.

Nico opened her mouth to respond, but any reply was forestalled by another voice.

"Rin-chan how could you?!" All three of the employees turned to see a stricken brunette, her lilac eyes centered on the orange-haired catgirl. "How could you say all those things to Nico-chan but never to me?!"

"Kayo-chin?!"

"I came all the way here because I was worried about you getting caught up in some harebrained idea, but instead I find you declaring your undying love to your boss?! I can't believe you!" cried Hanayo. She turned and stomped out of the restaurant.

"W-Wait Kayo-chin! I can explain!" wailed Rin as she followed.

Nico and Maki exchanged a wordless glance before the former departed for her office. When the door closed behind her, Nico let out a big sigh. "I can't believe it was just Rin," she said. "If I had gotten a love confession from Maki, I would have... well, whatever."

Putting that last thought out of her mind, she returned her attention to her penlights, along with the phone still playing Garasu no Hanazono as hold music. She flicked her penlights on, but the hype sticks refused to light up. After trying a few more times, she concluded that they'd broken.

"Aw man, really? Well... at least the batteries are still good. I'll plug 'em into something when I get home."

She reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a new pair of penlights. These two were specifically themed after another up and coming idol group called _Shiny Metal Claws_. As such, they looked like giant metal claws.

The music suddenly stopped and a voice came through the speaker on her phone. "Congratulations! As our 15th caller, you've won two tickets to go see _Appliance Crusaders_ live at Tokyo Dome!"

"KYAAA!" squealed Nico, "We did it, Ra-chan!" She gasped. "I have to tell someone. Hanayo was just here so she probably hasn't gotten too far away. I have to tell someone! HANAYO!"

Back on the floor, Rin had returned from placating the brunette, and she and Maki were still arguing over whether or not Nico was a robot. Maki was quickly getting fed up. "What did the robots in the movie look like?" she snapped.

"Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal claws for hands, and they ran on batteries."

"Okay, now tell me. Does Nico-chan look anything like that?"

Just then, the door to Nico's office slammed open to reveal the twintailed ravenette, squealing loudly for all the world to hear. Rin and Maki looked her over. Piercing red eyes? Check. Metal claws for hands? Check. Batteries in the back pocket? Check.

Rin and Maki immediately began screaming as Nico ran out the door and into the street, searching for Hanayo to give her the good news.

"I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!" ordered Maki as she took charge.

Three seconds later...

"Maki-chan! The robots have taken over the navy!"

"_NOT THE NAVY!_"

Turning up the intercom to full blast, the redhead announced, "Attention everyone, run for your lives! Robots have taken over the world!"

Everyone blinked at her.

"_OUR_ world!" she clarified. (Given the epidemic of isekai's, this clarification was sadly necessary.)

And everyone panicked. When the restaurant was well and truly deserted, Nico came back inside, whistling happily as she disappeared into her office without a care in the world.

"Rin, we need to do something!" hissed Maki as she hid behind the counter. "But what?"

"Nya! In the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy to interrogate the robot!"

"Interrogate? Hmm... That would definitely put me on Santa's naughty list this year, but I think it's worth it!"

Rin wisely decided not to comment on the Santa thing.

"Let's interrogate that robot!" declared Maki.

* * *

Nico was on cloud nine when Rin and Maki walked into her office.

Then she was tied up in her chair as her best and only employees loomed over her.

The ravenette struggled. "Rin! Maki! What the heck is going on?!"

"We're just going to ask you a few questions," said Maki. "But if we don't like what we hear, then you get to talk to the back of my hand!"

"...what does that mean?" asked Nico.

"It means I'll slap you!"

"NYAAA! I can't take it!" screamed Rin as she covered her face with her hands.

"...Rin?"

"Maki-chan, I just can't stand the sight of Nico-chan all tied up like that! It's too horrible to watch!"

"That's not the real Nico-chan, remember? That's Nico Bot! And the only way to deal with these things is to find out what they know."

After a bit of thought, Rin steeled her resolve. "You're right. I'll get answers outta her, nya!"

"I believe in you," encouraged Maki.

Her moment of indecision over, Rin went right up to Nico and slapped her. "Tell us!"

"Would you like to ask me a question first?" the ravenette snarled.

"Oh. Right." Clearing her throat, Rin tried again. "What color is my underwear?" she demanded.

"Um..."

She slapped Nico. "YELLOW DA YO!" she shouted.

"Geez, TMI much?" snarked Nico.

The redhead sighed. "I no longer believe in you. Here, let me try." She turned to address the captive. "Alright you. Where's Nico-chan?"

"I'm Nico! What the heck is going on?! Why am I tied up? And why are you acting like you're the third member of the idiot trio?!"

An eyebrow twitched at that last question as Nico struck a nerve. "Shut up," snapped Maki, slapping her boss.

"Wha-?! Nani sore?! Imi wakannai!"

"Excuse me?!" cried Maki indignantly. "First you steal Nico-chan's identity, and now you're stealing my catchphrase?!"

"What a merciless robot!" jeered Rin.

Nico looked at Rin like she'd just grown rabbit ears. (Cat ears would be too fitting.) "...did you just call me a robot?"

"Aha! So you admit it?" exclaimed Rin.

"No! I'm human! Like you! Besides, do you really think a mere machine could capture my overflowing charisma so perfectly?" Even when tied up, Nico still found time to brag about herself.

Maki growled. "She's not cracking. I don't think this is going to work."

"Nya!" chirped Rin as something came to her. "I've got an idea!" She walked over to one of the shelves and grabbed a figure. "If Nico Bot won't tell us where Nico-chan is, then maybe one of her little robot friends will!"

"Rin, that's a 1:7 scale model figure of Haruka Amami from Idolmaster," remarked Maki.

"Yes, but I saw Nico Bot talking to one of these figures earlier. She even gave it commands."

"Oh really? Well, I suppose that changes things. Put it on the table."

"Wait a minute, what are you going to do with my precious figure?" panicked Nico.

A sadistic smirk appeared on Maki's face as she hefted a baseball bat onto her shoulder. "We're just going to see what your minion knows." The redhead turned to the plastic face of Haruka Amami. "Where's Nico-chan?" she demanded.

She received no answer.

"Not talking? Alright, you asked for it."

SMASH!

"My Cinderella Girl!" shrieked Nico in horror.

"We can keep this up all day," said Maki. She turned to Rin. "Go get the next one."

Next up was Ichigo Hoshimiya.

"Leave Aikatsu alone!"

SMASH!

Then came Mirei Minami.

"Pripara is too pure for this cruelty!"

SMASH!

Followed by Nero Yuzurizaki.

"Milky Holmes! My precious!"

SMASH!

Down dropped Moca Aoba.

"...Actually, I don't really care about Bandori, but it was buy one get one free, so..."

SMASH!

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"This is the last robot, Maki-chan!" Rin placed a simple, homemade figure of a raven-haired twin-tailed girl on the table.

"No! Not that one! I made that one myself after papa passed away! No!" Nico suddenly began bawling like there was no tomorrow.

Slowly, Maki lowered the baseball bat. "...Hey Rin. I thought you said robots couldn't cry."

"I also said they couldn't love," replied Rin.

"Every time I see it, it reminds me of papa's love!"

Maki shot Rin a look. "Um... at least she's not laughing?" tried the catgirl.

"I remember the laughs we shared!"

Maki growled. "Rin... how did that movie of yours end?"

"The movie? Oh yeah! The ending was great, nya! It turns out there weren't any robots after all. It was just their... imagination."

The redhead's eyes glinted dangerously at the catgirl.

"Oh would you look at the time I have a date with Kayo-chin gotta run bye!" she rattled off. Rin fled, leaving the redhead alone with one very angry Nico.

Sheepishly, Maki began to tidy up the plastic remains of Nico's figures.

A low growl built up in Nico's throat until the walls were literally trembling with her anger. "**MAKI YOU BAKA!**"

**~END~**

* * *

**AN: I'm genuinely proud of this. XP **

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed!**


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